Tuesday, October 6, 2020

October is probably my favorite month and I’m somehow looking forward to Halloween. I’ve had this idea of organizing a quiz/zoom party for my family and friends this year but I’m not promising anything. I’ve found some new people to talk to and I’ve come to terms somewhat with the looming death caused by Covid-19.

Tomorrow is Wednesday and Wednesday is therapy day. The past week has been very challenging for my mental health as I tried my hardest to remember anything about my childhood trauma that would make more sense. I’ve even made a list of things that troubled and hurt me in the past in the hopes that this would trigger some deep repressed memory that would explain everything about why I turned out like this. Don’t get me wrong, I do remember a lot of horrible things that happened to me but I somehow feel that as abusive as any event that I lived through as a child was, it’s somehow not enough to explain the full extent of my current troubles. I always feel that there’s something more, something that wants to come out, something that once acknowledged will threaten the very core of my existence. I’m scared to remember but I want and need to remember. Hopefully all this pain and confusion is a sign that I’m on the verge of a breakthrough. The good news is however that I’m not doubting or questioning myself anymore at this point. My entire energy is focused on remembering all of my past trauma. I’ll keep you updated.

Tuesday, September 1, 2020

Dear diary,

It's been a while. Because a lot has happened in the last six months or so, I've decided to make a list to update you on my current situation.

* The last time I went outside of my apartment was June the 2nd, after the strict quarantine was lifted in my country. Back at the beginning of the summer everything seemed to be improving and the number of coronavirus cases were going down. However, things didn't stay like that for long and now the number of patients is increasing at alarming rates which makes me terrified to go out. My partner has been outside once every couple of weeks to get important things done but apart from that we've been staying indoors and making all of our shopping online. The good news is that everyone I know has also been safe and in good health and that makes me optimistic that we will manage to get through the next following months before a vaccine is hopefully found.

* My parents are feeling much better in regards to their health and have been doing some travelling (to mostly unpopulated places), taking all the necessary precautions to protect themselves. I was nervous for them but everything went fine and I'm happy that they got to have a nice vacation. They have been working from home during this time and that makes me feel really lucky because I get to know that they are safe.

* My partner accepting that job opportunity that I was so anxious about months ago turned out to be a great decision. He's been working from home and enjoys the projects he's involved in. We spend a lot of time together and get along great for the most part. We've celebrated our six year anniversary a month ago and made an arts and crafts type painting together. Our two fur babies contributed as well with their little paws that we made sure were not in direct contact with the paint.

* These past few months I've been participating in a regular Zoom meeting and can possibly say that I made some new friends. They have been a great resource for me and offered a great deal of emotional support. We've been having some profound discussions that I enjoyed but that have also triggered some troubling thoughts and feelings.

That brings us up to today. These past few weeks I've been starting to question some things about myself and I have decided to give therapy another go. Tomorrow I'll be having the second session with my new therapist. I've been thinking about it almost all week. All in all, I'm hopeful that I'll be able to resolve some of my issues this time around. I will be using this space to keep track of my progress (and relapses).

Until next time,

Pâiny

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

It's been a month and I'm not feeling very well. Things haven't been going exactly my way. I tried to participate in a couple of projects recently and they're not turning out how I was imagining them to. Firstly, I did an illustration for someone and although they said they were happy with it, I was hoping the image would be used more in an online campaign, which didn't happen. Made me feel like I failed a little. Secondly, I got invited to write an article for a new digital magazine and once again I got a mixed response and a lot of suggested edits on my original text. I have to make the modifications today and send it again, but I feel zero motivation to do so. Thirdly, I decided to volunteer for an organization and I got added in their group chat and now my phone rings every time there's a new message and it stresses me out. I also don't feel super included yet and I'm afraid I won't find my place among them.

On top of all that, the city I live in is being quarantined and I'm getting anxious about that. I'm scared that someone I love might get sick. I tried to convince my partner to try to work from home, but I don't know if that's going to be possible. Money may start to be a problem. Not to mention that my friend is traveling during this time and I'm worried for her as well. Also, my parents' health isn't the best, my mom struggles with persisting pain and my dad had an accident recently and is also hurting.

I don't know what to do to help calm my nerves or make me feel less sad, but I should probably come up with a good excuse for not writing that article.

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

I'm writing this while I wait for the green hair dye to settle. Green is truly the color of my soul, my natural color, my happy color. I'm feeling full of energy and optimistic today. Everything seems to advance smoothly with the job opportunity I've mentioned before and at this point I don't have reasons to expect bad news. I'm in a "this is the first day of the rest of your life" kind of mood and it feels good. This entry is a reminder that life is full of ups and downs and that without rain, there's no rainbows.

Thursday, January 30, 2020

I'm pinning all my hopes on this new job opportunity and it's making me nervous. Long story short, it would mean that I will be able to spend a lot more time with my partner. But for everything to work out, I have to put a lot of faith in other people and that's anxiety inducing. For now however, all there is to do is wait and see if things fall into place. I'll only know in time if the decision to give this opportunity a go was the right one to make. I know people say that you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the things you've done, but for me it's always been the other way around. Despite all this questioning back and forth, there's one thing I can be certain of though: something needs to change for me to be truly happy. I hope this decision is the first step towards the life I imagine having.

Also, my mother's birthday is coming up. Can't wait to see her happy face when I give her the gift I've got for her. She's been going through a lot lately, mostly regarding her health, and that's been another thing that's been troubling my mind the past couple of days. She told me recently that all she hopes for is that she can count on me to help her in the future and that really terrifies me. Of course I'll always do my best to be there, but what if my best efforts won't be enough. I can't control my depression, my anxiety, my mood swings and the chronic fatigue that they often induce. However, my mother will never accept the fact that what I have is quite possibly an invisible disability and she sometimes asks more of me than I can give and it makes me feel helpless and useless.

I know that capitalism makes us value productivity above everything else and that has had a toll on me. Hopefully this new job opportunity will work out.

Monday, January 13, 2020

Despite having an understanding of the cultural aspect of "new year, new beginnings", this January I was nonetheless hoping for a fresh start, a departure from the old and the sense of relief, of a burden being lifted, that only such human rituals can offer. But after the passing away of my eight month old kitten, Griș, at the end of 2019, as well as my senior hamster, Cici, followed by an unexpected, although small, surgery, I was on the verge of thinking that 2020 would be nothing but a continuation of last year's streak of bad luck and misfortune.

However, today I can say I feel truly happy again and I'm finally looking towards the future with eagerness and peace of mind. It was my partner's birthday and even though he had to work, I was still giddy from our outing the previous day and from his positive reaction to my gift, as well as my written card, complete with an "I love you" pun. At the end of the day, everything was topped by some great news we received concerning a job opportunity. If everything works out, it would be a dream come true and I'm more than enthusiastic about what's to come.